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O'Hara Factor
Saturday, July 31, 2004

Breaking news: Democrats discover reason for Bush's bad economic numbers

SAN DIEGO, CA (OF) -- The DNC has released a press statement claiming that the stock market dive in the middle of September of 2001, which has negatively affected the President's economic numbers, may have been caused by a massive terrorist attack.

The committee's preliminary estimates state that nearly 3,000 Americans were killed in the supposed attack committed by nineteen airplane hijackers of Arab descent. Fifteen of them were from Saudi Arabia, reports stated.

"We lost four airplanes that day," DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe stated, "and it seems that these planes might have caused the disappearance of those 3,000 Americans as well as the World Trade Center towers."

Unconfirmed reports also state that one of the planes may have caused damage at the Pentagon.

McAuliffe suggested equal scrutiny of all airline passengers in order to prevent another attack. "It's not just Arabs," he said, "Japanese samurai and Australian crocodile hunters can also be suicidal and mean-spirited and thus deserve the same treatment as Wahabbi Islamists of Saudi descent."

However, Hector Perez of Latinos of California and Arizona (LOCA) dissented with the airline-security plan. "When was the last time you saw an undocumented Latino alien commit terrorism? Latinos are only here to do what Americans don't want to do, like picking crops and selling advanced pharmaceuticals*."

When asked for comment, Secretary of State Colin Powell called both the DNC's and Perez's comments "helpful and constructive."

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry subsequently renounced his criticism of President Bush's economic policy, calling it "very much like the Democratic policy already."

"He's really stepped across the aisle to give us leeway on special interests such as universal health care and Social Security," Kerry stated, "but he still lied on WMD** and that's why I'm running for President."

Raul Grijalva could not be reached for comment.


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