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O'Hara Factor
Monday, August 08, 2005

In my Dreams: SUMC Agave room calls my radio show

Originally published on an older (now defunct) blog in April 2004 regarding a then-proposed "Student Activity Fee", I'm republishing this to set a precedent for a future post:

O'HARA: Good evening! SUMC Agave Room, you're on The O'Hara Factor.
AGAVE: Give me fifteen dollars!
O'HARA: What?
AGAVE: I said gimme some money!
O'HARA: Why?
AGAVE: Because I said so!
O'HARA: What are you going to do to me?
AGAVE: Not let you take classes.
O'HARA: Not let me take classes? And how are you going to do that?
AGAVE: You'll be dropped.
O'HARA: Dropped? You mean physically? Telepathically?
AGAVE: Administratively.
O'HARA: So if I don't pay you money now, you'll hack into the CCIT servers and delete my account.
AGAVE: No. I have connections to the Bursar's Office. How should you care anyway? You're on scholarship!
O'HARA: Yeah, from the federal government! So I'm still paying.
AGAVE: A smaller amount.
O'HARA: So it's okay just because in reality, you're mugging everybody else. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
AGAVE: No, it's not. You've interviewed a black Republican before.
O'HARA: What? Uh, I'll let that speak for itself. What's this money going for, anyway?
AGAVE: Speeches, concerts, and other really neat stuff.
O'HARA: Speeches by...
AGAVE: Michael Moore, Bill Clinton...
AGAVE: You have a problem?
O'HARA: Yes, I have a problem! Who's overseeing the bias of these choices?
AGAVE: The board.
O'HARA: The bored? You mean you guys don't have enough power already?
AGAVE: The speakers board.
O'HARA: And what's the bias standard for these speakers?
AGAVE: Well, because it's an election year, we want to invite people who will be sensitive to both sides.
O'HARA: So Michael Moore and Bill Clinton are sensitive to both sides?
AGAVE: Yes, and so is Janet Reno.
O'Hara: This is ridiculous! I'm not paying you!
AGAVE: Why not just pay now and apply for a refund?
AGAVE: Yeah, Social Security does it already. What's the big deal?
O'HARA: You're stealing my money! We're running out of time; you have the last word.
AGAVE: You insensitive clod! You don't give a [beep] about SOCIAL JUSTICE, do you? You'll have to answer to...
AGAVE: The STUDENTS! About this. Whew, I almost violated the Establishment Clause.
O'HARA: Thanks for calling; we'll be right back.


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